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        whoami?  40, Female, Nebraska, USA - 60 entries
    11
    Jul 2010
    5:48 AM CST
       

    Is this me?


    No one likes a fake. No one likes to be fooled. No one likes to be lied to. I would never want to do this to anyone, but how can you help it if you are doing it to yourself? I have to ask myself, is this me? Is who I am right now, really who I am, or am I just fooling myself and everyone else? Will my true colors show themselves somewhere on this road or are they shining now? I would hope with all my heart and strength that this is who I am, and this is who I will always be, but fear of who I was in the past, fear of the power of struggles, fear of my ugly self grips me and tells me that I am a liar, a hypocrite. I want to let go of the past, I want to deny all I ever used to be, all I know that can creep up and ooze out of me in the face of difficulty or frustration. I want to tell myself that I have no ugly side, but that would be a lie. I just want to be able to live just as I am knowing that yes, I am imperfect and I have faults and struggles and an ugly side to me, but that is not all of me, just part of me. I don't want to� deceive those that I care about, I don't want to hurt them, I don't want to be just another person that brings them harm through lies, I want to be honest, true, transparent, loving-a truly godly woman.
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    2 comment(s) - 02:41 PM - 07/31/2010
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        Enigma23  42, Female, New York, USA - 11 entries
    07
    Jul 2010
    11:16 PM EDT
       

    Some Thoughts

    I think Forrest Gump said it best when He said "Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one you're gonna get". That is so true when you're dealing with relationships or anything.
    I love my ex and it's like we're going to be together no matter what happens. I enjoy that aspect of our relationship. He's seen me through some good times and bad. I love him so much and I couldn't get through some of the things I did without him by my side. I put him through a lot and I am happy to still have him. He is simply wonderful.
    Y'all may be wondering why he's my ex if he's all these things. Right?? The truth is... I don't know why he's my ex. I guess I wanted to do me just a little bit. I mean we still do things like we're a couple and other times we don't. Since we broke up it seems like things are a good kind of different. Like how it used to be. All in all he's a really great guy and who knows ppl. Maybe we'll get married. Only the Lord knows abt that one. Men. SMH.
    Life for me is going okay at this point in life. Well maybe not so much. But hey, it could be worse. This is some thing I can handle. I am happy with who I am that's really what all of this was abt. Being happy with me. I mean you can be happy with everyone else but can you ever just be happy when it's just you. Everyone should see how they handle that. I mean it's been kinda hard when you've been with someone for so long and you think you can only be happy with them. I had to learn to be happy on my own.
    Don't get me wrong I hate to be alone. I like knowing that if I need you you'll be there. Trust me when I tell you. I learned that I can only make someone else happy if i'm happy with me.
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        dcaltman  63, Male, Florida, USA - 5 entries
    07
    Jul 2010
    3:19 PM EDT
       

    Sunday July 4, Policeman,s Funeral

    Yesterday I watched the funeral of 2 policeman that were killed in Tampa, FL I was moved by the clear Gospel message presented by the pastor of Idlewild Baptist Church. There is an enemy behind us, there is evil before us and an eternity beyond us. This church has a powerful,credible testimony in this community.
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        Sportygirl15  32, Female, Michigan, USA - 119 entries
    06
    Jul 2010
    8:23 PM EDT
       

    Dreams

    I hate dreaming. I know thats a weird thing to say. But i do. Im not gonna lie, at one point I loved it. I always went to bed wondering what I would dream about this time...

    But things have changed. The other night I saw Matt... in my dreams. For me this was odd. Its been months since I last dreamt of him. I keep telling myself that Im over him, ever since he decided to turn his back on me. "B/c he lives in a 'big' house now" It hurt alot when he left. I wont lie, I cried for a while.

    I wish I hadn't lied when he asked me if I liked him,all those years agao. I should have just said yes. Instsead I hid away everything I felt for him, like the dumb blonde that I am. Pathetic I know.

    But he's gone now, so I should just stop prattling on about him. Although I wish he wouldn't treat me like a stranger,�or a�person who's infected with the black plague. Im sure you would be hurt if someone close did this to you...

    All I need to do know is move on, and I have. Its just those stupid dreams that threaten to appear the very second that I close my eyes. I HATE IT! All I want is for them to just go away. Im sure someone out there is pulling the "Its a sign" crap. Yes, well its not. How could it be? HE's gone.

    Matt used to be a really sweet guy, one that looked out for me and was always ready to comfort me when things got tuff. And know look at him. HE's selfish, only cares about him self! He acs as if he never new me. And theres only one word to discribe him, TOOL! well thats at least the one catogory everyother girl who knows him has put him in. And the truth is, is that its true.....
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    1 comment(s) - 10:33 PM - 07/20/2010
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        dcaltman  63, Male, Florida, USA - 5 entries
    05
    Jul 2010
    10:08 PM EDT
       

    Sunday July 4, Policeman,s Funeral

    Yesterday I watched the funeral of 2 policeman that were killed in Tampa, FL I was moved by the clear Gospel message presented by the pastor of Idlewild Baptist Church. There is an enemy behind us, there is evil before us and an eternity beyond us. This church has a powerful,credible testimony in this community.
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        sexyG503  52, Female, Nevada, USA - 37 entries
    05
    Jul 2010
    5:50 PM EDT
       

    love

    why is it when you think you find true love its not�
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    2 comment(s) - 02:26 PM - 07/12/2010
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        mourningcloak  70, Female, New York, USA - 14 entries
    04
    Jul 2010
    9:52 PM EST
       

    STRESS

    I dodged a bullet. I have a lump in my breast and it turns out it is just a cyst. And they don't want to do anything with it. Just leaving it alone. I am so relieved. But I am very stressed out these days and want to UNSTRESS! I am going to take some time off work. It stresses me out to do THAT! So I have to make sure I am doing the right things to get better....Eat right, sleep right, exercise and get fresh air. : ) Going into the garden. See you L8r.....
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        Sportygirl15  32, Female, Michigan, USA - 119 entries
    04
    Jul 2010
    8:08 PM EDT
       

    Songs

    If Javi was to ever get in contact with me ever again. I would tell him to go listen to the sang called: Pray For You by: Jaron and The Long� Road to Love �

    I would also tell MAtt to go listen to this Undo It by Carrie Underwood. Speaking of which, I had a another dream of him. But first lets go back to the begining....

    Matt was my first friend when I moved to MI. We met at the basketball court on the culdisac, deep within the woods. At the time we were both 9 almost 10. We went on so many adventures when we were little. We ran cray through the woods, balancing on the fallen tree's, laughing when we pranked my sister. Playing in his tree fort, we even rebuilt the inside together. =P ONe of my favorit memories is when we were in his basement (when I was 12) and we'er watching pirates of the carribiean; Black pearl. And as we watched it, I could hear him whispering every line to me. And we continued to have tons of fun. At the lake, the beach, on our bikes racing down the road, playing hide and seek....

    Then everything changed. He moved only a few miles down the road, into a HUGE house his parents had built. As for our friendship, it quickly turned into nothing. Why? B/c Matt lives in a cool, big house and well, I guess that makes him to "cool" to talk to me anymore

    Maybe thats the part that has always bugged me. His not caring. I can walk by him a dozen times in the halls at school, and if Im lucky. Maybe he'll notice me once....

    I know its time to let go and i have. Its just the memories that haunt me, so to speak. Matt has become suck a jerk that alomost all the girls in my grade have put him in the "Tool" catorgory. B/c he'll play with your heart and then just dissapear. Or he's a strait up A**. Well I've already said to much So I'll just leave everything at that, until next time that is. =) Lucky you huh??
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        dcaltman  63, Male, Florida, USA - 5 entries
    04
    Jul 2010
    5:12 AM EDT
       

    Sunday July 4, Policeman,s Funeral

    Yesterday I watched the funeral of 2 policeman that were killed in Tampa, FL I was moved by the clear Gospel message presented by the pastor of Idlewild Baptist Church. There is an enemy behind us, there is evil before us and an eternity beyond us. This church has a powerful,credible testimony in this community.
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        mourningcloak  70, Female, New York, USA - 14 entries
    04
    Jul 2010
    3:57 AM EST
       

    Talking to my Mom

    �� I talked to her. I talked to my Mom. She died in February and I have had dreams about her but not like this. I said I keep forgetting you're not here. She said it's OK. I said I wanted to tell you something. Then I thought I should ask her some questions. I said can you see everybody? She said, "Just you guys." �I wanted to ask her if she saw God but then I said "Why are you unhappy?" Because she was breathing hard and wasn't smiling or anything. She said "I'm not unhappy" "There's no words." "I am trying to keep them for Sean." So it's hard to talk to us, I said. She nods her head, yes. I got the impression that the way we communicate is different than how they do and it's VERY hard for them to "talk to us". �I sobbed and sobbed after I �woke up and wrote this all down. Not out of joy. Out of hysteria. That's the only way I can describe it. I tried to tell my husband that this was not like a dream, that I really spoke to her. He believes me as much as he can without having experienced it himself. I am sort of angry that he can't. I am overwhelmed with what this means to me. I was never convinced that there is an afterlife. Until now. ��
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    1 comment(s) - 07:34 AM - 08/18/2010
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